我不想再考验约会对象了

I am so shameless about most of my embarrassing things. No, it's not that I can only have sex with my socks on or something. It's that I always end up testing people to see how much they care about me. It goes something like this: Am I actually starting to like someone? Time to throw a self-sabotaging grenade in the works just to spice things up! I make an impossible demand or an empty threat to see if they'll put their emotional cards on the table in a way that I can't, or won't. It's ok, if they really love me, they'll fight for me, I rationalise. Just kidding! That trick has worked exactly zero times, but I still keep doing it. And I want to stop.

我这个人已经厚脸皮到对绝大多数发生过的尴尬事都无动于衷。不，并不是说我只有穿上丝袜或其它才能发生性关系。只是我的感情总是以这种方式告终：我总是考验别人，想看看他们有多在乎我。我开始思考：我真的开始喜欢某人了吗？是时候自黑来点猛料了！我开始做出无理要求、虚张声势的威胁他们，看看他们会不会以一种我不能或不会的方式挑明他们的感情。没关系，如果他们真的爱我，他们就会为我而战，我设法说服自己。开玩笑的啦！这个方法一次都没成功过，但我还是会继续这么做。我不想再这样了。

It's not limited to just dating scenarios, though that's when I clock myself pulling it the most. When I was younger, I'd tell my parents I didn't actually want that shopping trip, in the hopes that they'd feel so moved by my self-sacrificing offer and insist on taking me anyways. That never happened, obviously, because my parents aren't mind-readers and they weren't going to fight to drive an hour away just so I could dangle my 'tell me I'm a perfect, unselfish child' carrot in their faces. Or I'd tell my parents I didn't want to be tucked in, and then stay awake all night crying and looking at the bedroom door waiting for them to shower me with unconditional affection anyway. I had too much pride to ask for what I wanted, but still felt disappointed when it wasn't just magically handed to me.

虽然这不局限于约会场景，但约会却是我最作妖的时候。小时候，我会跟父母说我其实不想去购物，希望他们会被我的自己牺牲精神感动，然后坚持带着我去。但显然，这种事情从没发生过，因为我的父母不会读心术，他们也不打算花一个小时的时间，只为了让我利诱他们说出'我是完美的、无私的小孩'。或者我会告诉父母我不喜欢他们给我掖被子，然后整晚不停的哭泣，盯着卧室的门等着他们给我洗澡、给我无尽的爱。我太骄傲了，我不会开口要自己想要的东西，但每当奇迹没有发生时，我都会感到失望。

If you've ever done this, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. You think you're losing favour with somebody so you gamble with the biggest thing you have (your relationship or a trip to the shops, either works) in the hopes they'll match you and dramatically try to win you back. Only it never works. If you're smart, you'll cut your losses at one dramatic outburst and stop there, but if you're like me, you'll somehow beg and plead your way back to status quo in the hopes that you can do it all over again.

如果你也做过一样的事情，那你肯定知道我说的是什么意思。你以为你失去了某人的青睐，所以你用自己最重要的东西做赌注（你的情感或购物，都行），希望他们能匹配你、极力争取赢回你。但这都没有用。如果你够聪明，那你就会在戏剧性的爆发中减少自己的损失，然后就此停手。但如果你和我一样，那你就会祈求回到现状，希望一切能从头再来。