我精神出轨了一个比我年龄小一半的男人——但这拯救了我的婚姻

It's New Year's Eve and glitter sprinkles the space between my brow and lids. I have two teen boys at home and I'm retiring from a 22-year marriage with their father. I've never glittered in my life. Hell, I haven't worn makeup since I was a teenager!

现在是新年前夕，我涂了闪闪发光的眼影。家里，我有两个10岁的儿子，而我和他们父亲22年的婚姻也濒临尾声。我的生活从来都没有闪光点。从青春期到现在，我算是第一次化妆！

And I'm staring into his eyes. The first unrestricted crush I've allowed myself since I was 20 years old. A crush I've worked through, journaled about, and ultimately recognised as a healthy response to mutual emotional and physical attraction. A crush I haven't forced myself to subdue, like the others over the married years.

现在，我瞪着他的双眼。这是我20岁以来第一次迷恋某人。我对这份恋情做出了很多努力，会写日记记录，最终人们认为这是彼此情感和身体吸引的健康反应。我没有强迫自己屈服于这段恋情，就像那些结婚多年的人一样。

"So, what are you doing tonight?" I ask as I hand him the cash, driven by a desire to feel that intoxicating glow of chemistry-something I've lived without for most of my adult life.

“那么你今晚有什么安排呢？”由于想要感受我们之间的化学反应，因此我在递给他现金时问道，在我的成年生活中，基本都没有心动的感觉。

"Going home," his voice flat. "It was way busier tonight than we expected," he smiles tiredly as he takes the money, our fingers grazing, our familiarity understood. But this is the latest in a recent series of increasingly uncomfortable exchanges in which I've begun to admit he's withdrawing the romance.

“回家，”他语调平稳的说道。“今晚比预期的要忙很多，”他一边拿着钱一边疲惫的微笑着，我们的手指触碰，相互之间更加熟悉。但这是最近一次的交流，我们的交谈越来越不舒服，我承认他不再那么浪漫了。

Which is painful. Because it was hard won, that romance. It is the first guilt-free, swooning-beyond-my-marriage I've ever let myself feel. Ever. And he is younger. Much younger. One year ago tonight, well before I'd ever noticed this sexy young cashier, my soon-to-be-ex-husband and I were preparing for his major surgery. We'd taken our wedding rings off a year before that. But within days of our decision to formally separate, his surgeon called. Divorce could wait. We were (and remain) close friends, and he needed my support.

这很让人痛苦，因为浪漫是很难得到的。这是我第一次毫无愧疚，而这无关婚姻。我从来都没有这样过。他很年轻，比我年轻多了。一年前的今晚，在我注意到这个性感的年轻收银员前，我那即将成为前任的丈夫和我正准备他的大手术。在这一年之前，我们就不戴婚戒了。但在我们决定正式分居的那几天，他的外科医生给他打了电话。离婚是可以等待的。我们是很好的朋友，他需要我的支持。

But I needed support too. And when I'd run to the grocery store for quick, easy meals during the long, intense recovery, there he'd be, just doing his thing, asking questions of every customer; making them feel at ease.

但我也需要支撑啊。在他漫长的康复阶段内，每当我跑到杂货店吃一顿简单的快餐时，他就在那里做他的事情，问每一位顾客问题，让他们感到轻松。

In the first of his ventures towards me, he dropped hints about his age (I'm not that brave, and I never did tell him my own). He reminded me of snow falling years earlier, in June, when he'd had to call into his old job on that snowy summer day back in 2008…when he was 14.

他第一次和我搭话时暗示了自己的年龄（我没有那么勇敢，我从来没告诉他我的年龄）。他让我想起了多年前的下雪天，那是2008年的六月份，当时的他十四岁，不得不在那个大雪纷飞的夏天打电话给以前的老板。